FrozenMaleficient Crack
by CleverforClever
Summary: Oh, those stupid, responsible parents who tried to protect others! Worry not, woman-kind! Maleficient steps in to correct the king! Because, after all, she knows all about raising children! Yes, this is sarcasm, and a crack-fic against anti-male themes in Maleficient and Frozen.
1. Chapter 1

"It's okay, Anna, I've got you," Said six-year-old Elsa. She rocked her baby sister in her arms.

"Elsa! What have you done?" Demanded the king as he burst into the room.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa…" Said a voice, "You need to learn how to relax."

The king turned, protectively shielding his daughters and wife, "Who… who are you?"

A dark figure stepped out of the shadows, narrow eyes gleaming.

"Maleficient!" Yelped the king, "Guards!"

"Oh, there's no need for that," She said tiredly, "Besides which, like Elsa I have almost god-like powers."

"But, you're evil!"

"Ha!" Bellowed the fairy, "That's just a misinterpretation by a phallic-obsessed society!"

"...you cursed a baby! A baby!" He insisted.

"I had a bad experience as a child. Fortunately, I have unstoppable magic powers!"

The king frowned, "That… makes no sense. I mean, magic always has a weakness…. Like true love?"

"I am now the one who understands true love, not some man!" She smirked.

"This… is insanity. It makes no sense at all."

"What you're doing to that poor girl makes no sense at all," Crooned the dark queen, "I mean, really, who yells at a sweet innocent girl having fun!"

"She almost killed her sister!"

"Ah! _Almost!_ It doesn't count unless you actually finish the job! And I should know!"

The king frowned, "What are you talking about?"

Maleficient stepped forward, "By the powers vested in me by the women's right movement, the SAG, and the dark power of feminazism (not a word, by the way) I declared that you're not allowed to lock Elsa inside your home."

The king grunted in disbelief, "How come you can just dictate how someone else can raise their family?!"

"Ha! That shows what you know! I had a bad experience with men. It doesn't matter that I cursed a little girl, inflicted a decade of suffering on a trio of my own people, stalked a girl, drove her father mad, and caused a young mother to die without seeing her daughter! What matters is that men have no idea how to deal with women!"

The king sighed, "That's insane!"

"Bah!" Answered the witch, "I'll show you!"

"Soooo… what's your plan?"

Maleficient smiled, "Well, well… Open up the gates. Everything'll be fine!"

Three years later.

"I wanna build a snowman!" Elsa crowed, blasting ice everywhere, "Anna?"

Anna wasn't moving.

"No! I've got you, Anna. It's going to be okay!"

The door burst open, "Oh man!" The king strode over picking up Anna, "not again!"

"Is she gonna be okay?"

"Uh…." The king lied, "Suuuure… she'll be back in a week, just like always."

"Wait a minute," Said Elsa, "…something's different with Anna…."

The door burst open as Anna came in, then turned back around and left.

"Who's that?!"

"Anna?"

"So who're you holding?"

"Oh, him?"

"HIM!?"

"Well, sweetie, you're technically really, really dangerous, so we pay people to pretend to be Anna. This is the thirteenth one you've killed. Don't worry; the important thing is that you've plenty of social interaction with others!"

"But… isn't it unethical to do that?"

"Kill children? Apparently not, according to Maleficient."

"Maleficient is a bad guy!" Elsa exclaimed.

Her father shook his head, "No, no… apparently it was her ex-boyfriend who was the bad guy. He scarred her for life, so she overreacted. That's where bad people come from; traumatic childhood events."

"So, King Stefan came from…?"

"He had a bad experience because he was poor, and the king promised to give whomever killed Maleficient would be the next king."

"Then the king was a bad guy?"

"Until we find out his childhood trauma, yes."

Elsa bowed her head in confusion, "Who's that then?"

"Hans, something, does it matter?"

"Well, he's a child, doesn't this count as trauma?"

"…whaaa-aaa-aaat? No. NOooooOO! Okay, maybe… I mean, he was forced to wear a dress, and hang out with a girl he can barely stand-"

"What?!"

"And now he's been iced. So, yeah, he'll be the villain, I guess."

"But by that logic, he's not really bad; he's just got a childhood trauma that excuses him from taking responsibility for his actions!" Elsa rubbed her temples, "Imagine if I did something really, really horrible; not freezing some_one_ but _everyone_. What if the whole kingdom was frozen?! Shouldn't someone stop me?!"

"Yes, which is why we're loving you now, so you don't do that."

"…where's Mom?"

"Oh, yeah, she got frostbite a year ago and is now bedridden. You've killed about half the staff with your little 'accidents', but that's okay. You'll grow up well-adjusted! After all, it doesn't matter if you're dangerous, or scary, all that matters is that you feel good about yourself, and, eventually, if we just tolerate you, everything'll turn out okay!"

"No!" Yelled Elsa, "I don't want to hurt anyone! Simply ignoring how dangerous I am is stupid! Why didn't you isolate me from people I could kill?!"

"But then you wouldn't learn to control your powers!"

"And how have I learned?" She demanded, "Apparently I've killed off a baker's dozen-"

"Including our baker. Oh, Svetlana, I will miss your cookies-"

"You have a duty to defend those around you!" Exclaimed Elsa, "You can't just let me… pretend like everything's fine!"

The king shrugged, "I won't have people criticize me for locking you inside."

Elsa slapped her forehead, "I'm going to my room…"

"Wait," Said the king, "At least I'm not going to be blamed for this, am I?!"

And so it was that Elsa locked herself in her room, and it was all her parents' fault for pretending like she wasn't extremely dangerous, lying to her year after year after year.


	2. Chapter 2

Of course, thanks to negligent parenting, magically, Elsa managed to gain control of her powers. 'Cause... just 'cause.

"Do you wanna build a snowman, Anna?" Elsa asked.

"No!" Sighed her sister, "I get it, you can make ice and snow, but, you know what? People actually need things from a monarch, like... say, a sense of security!"

Elsa gasped, "But... I can make a snowman!"

Anna thumped her head against a wall, "Ever since our parents oh-so-conveniently died, you have been on a non-stop magical binge."

"I can also make snow, and ice!" Exclaimed Elsa, "Watch!"

And it started snowing. Anna irritably brushed it off her head, "We get it. Snow, ice, cold. But how about stuff that we actually need? Like... G.N.P.?!"

Elsa stared confused, "Does that have anything to do with snow or ice?"

Anna let out one of her more desperate sighs, "Not... really, no. Look, you're queen, right?"

Elsa nodded, ecstatic, "Yes! One of the best!"

Anna muttered something about how fangirls do not count before continuing, "Okay... what exactly is it that you do?!"

"Well, I can make snow, and ice..." Elsa stated. She then paused, "And, for some reason, create life."

Anna rubbed her forhead, "Yeah, let's not go there. What exactly is it that you do?"

"Um... sing?"

"Princesses sing, and wear pretty dresses. But once you're queen, you have duties! Like the queen from Brave!"

"Ha! That's Pixar! Doesn't count!" Countered Elsa.

"Fine! The queen from 'Sleeping Beauty' then!" Hollered her sister, "She negotiated a marriage between kingdoms and sacrificed time with her daughter, received guests, and received only a fraction of the screen-time you did!"

Elsa smirked, "Ha! Shows what you know! In Maleficient she does nothing at all, really!"

Anna rolled her eyes, "Okay, I'm going out to find true love." She left. Elsa started crying, "But sisterhood is true love!"

"Apparently Disney has never seen what happens when sisters have to share _anything_!"

Then Elsa had another meltdown, which caused an ice-age.

"I'm still the best queen ever!" She declared.


	3. Chapter 3

"Oh Anna... if only you weren't gay," Hans smirked pulling away.

"What? I'm not!" She insisted. The prince just shook his head.

"Please, I've seen the fandom. You and Elsa? Incest? Ew."

Anna started breaking up, "But... that's not the point of the story at all."

"No," He said condescendingly, "It's not. But now that's all it will ever be," He closed the window, "And Olaf is gay too, 'cause... Disney-logic. And I'm pretty sure no straight man dresses like this," He gestured down. Anna rolled over, trying to glare as hard as possible.

"You're... evil."

"No," He answered, "You just respect my lifestyle choices. See, at first, since you and Elsa are all over each other-!"

"This isn't Disney channel, we're not encouraging incest like Jalex from Wizards of Waverly Place, Daisy from 'Life with Derek', or Ferb/Phineas slash from Phineas and Ferb!" Insisted Anna. Her boyfriend continued.

"You think you're outcast from a stereotypical uptight society because you're a free-spirited princess who is her own woman. But I figure if _I'm_ gay, then my masculinity has been called into question. Because I'm in the closet, and can't marry a prince, the only way for me to have equal rights is to hit on a straight chick."

"This..." She groaned out, "Makes no sense..."

"So now _you're _the homophobic one because you assume I'm straight. Even though you have incest on your side, I," He straightened out, "cannot be evil, for gays are never evil!"

"Uuuuuh, statistically, that cannot hold up," Anna whined. He shrugged.

"Name three evil gays."

"Hmmm... Does Maleficient count?"

Hans sighed, "It's a fact of modern society that no gay person can be evil. Therefore, I'm not evil, I'm just repressed by a WASP society of homophobic, hetero-centric gay-bashers. See, now that I'm gay, it's not that I _don't_ love you, it's that I can't. And the only way to have a gay king is depose the very source of the evil hetero regime! Now, I'm off to kill your sister!" He stood, ready to leave.

"You're... no match... for feminism."

Hans paused, "Really?"

Anna blushed, "Eeeeh... it comes and goes. Depends on whether or not you actually say the word 'feminist' because it has a lot of bad things attached to it. But, generally, people who consider themselves feminists consider equal rights the goal of their work.. And, since Elsa and I are gay _and_ feminist, we'll easily trump your gay and closeted!"

Hans stood quietly for a moment, "...I don't think it's safe to put political analyses into this movie anymore."


	4. Chapter 4

"Oh Anna, if only someone loved you..." Hans snickered, leaving. Anna struggled with the door.

"Noooo..."

Suddenly, the door popped open.

"...Olaf?!"

Olaf smiled, "Anna! What happened!?"

"Hans left me to die, he didn't really love me," She said mournfully.

"Oh, really?" He questioned, "And he seemed like such a nice guy..."

"I know. But I think if we can work together, we can save Elsa."

There was an awkward pause.

"Oh Anna, if only you could," He waddled past her, "But what you don't realize is that this whole time I never wanted Elsa to live!"

"What?" Gasped out Anna, "But... you said-!"

"I was lying, stupid," He snickered, "Elsa is the only thing on the planet that can kill me," He glared out the window, "I attached myself to the first people I found, hoping they could do the job for me. Your sister didn't exactly make me dangerous like Marshmellow."

He poked the smoking logs, "And no one will ever realize how I manipulated all these events to bring her downfall!"

"But..." She gasped weakly, "There's no way you could have known any of this ahead of time!"

Olaf shrugged, "Neither could Hans."

A large boot squashed the snowman.

"Kristoff!" She called, "Quickly, I need true love's kiss! Hans-"

"I know," Said the ice master. He captured her in his arms, "It's going to be okay!" She leaned forward only to be stopped, "Oh Anna, if only there was such a thing as true love's kiss!"

"...what?!" She rasped out.

"Don't you see? This whole time I wanted your money!" He dropped her, "Elsa could make me richer than my wildest dreams!"

Anna clutched her chest as more of her hair turned bright white, "I- there was no way that you could have known I was going to run into you, that we would quickly fall in love, or that my sister had ice powers that would render her vulnerable!"

He shrugged, "Neither could Hans. But that didn't stop him. I mean, think about it; I obviously knew that she had ice powers ahead of time, and that you had a close relationship with her until your parents locked her away. I knew I just had to wait until she acted up again."

He smirked and headed towards the door.

"You can't control Elsa!" Gasped out Anna.

He smirked, "I already have. All I have to do is lie and tell her with your dying breath you asked her to help me!"

"This... makes no... sense...!"

Suddenly, a chill gust of wind swept in. Kristoff hit the wall as Elsa burst into the room.

"Elsa!" Called Anna, "You loved me enough to come back!"

"Oh Anna," Said Elsa, "If only someone loved you..."

"Oh come on!" Anna screamed. Her sister smirked, walking about the room.

"All my life, I was jealous of you. The baby. The favored child. My time in the room showed me what I had to do..."

"But... blasting me was an accident..." Said Anna. The queen laughed.

"...was it? I lured you out, knowing full well that you would follow me. After a little 'accident' no one would ever-"

Hans burst into the room, "Ha!"

He looked around, seeing the smooshed snowman, the frozen ice-master, and Elsa menacingly taunting Anna.

"...what'd I miss?"

...five minutes later, an angry Anna burst from the room, blood on her fists.

"Stupid! Stupid and pointless! There's absolutely no logical reason for any of us to kill any of us! I mean, come on! Did they put something in the water?!"

She lay against the wall and sighed. Suddenly she heard, "Oh Anna, if only someone loved you."

"Wha- what?!" She stared at her reflection with growled ominously, "The truth is I went up into the mountains to attempt suicide!"

"That's... impossible!" She whispered, "I said I was going after Elsa!"

"Oh no, this is all part of my plot to kill you!"

And so it was that, finally, everybody who had no real need to kill Anna actually tried to.

Next up; Hans learns about time travel.


End file.
